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Some horrible puns that I found and just loved:

“I have a mitral valve prolapse,” said Tom brokenheartedly.
“We are going to turn this ship left twice in a row!” Tom reported.
“I guess I lose this round. But hey, you know what they say,” replied Tom winsomely.
“What fools these mortals be,” said Tom puckishly.
“Better close up the windows; it looks like there’s a storm coming,” said Tom, shuddering.
“I’ll never thank you for that croissant!” said Tom mercilessly.
“Dustin Diamond is the greatest actor ever!” Tom screeched.
“I really enjoy this one section of Highlights for Children,” Tom said gallantly.
“What do you call a fat monarch?” asked Tom unthinkingly.
“The executioner aimed way too low,” Tom said defeatedly.
“Admittedly it is important to learn the alphabet,” Abie ceded.
“Will you still love me when I take over the government?” Tom cooed.
“I wonder which road I should take…?” thought Tom frostily.
“I haven’t answered questions in a fan chat-room since I was on Night Court,” Markie posted.
“I will only say ‘Fee’ and ‘Fo’,” said the giant defiantly.
“Thank God we converted to metric,” Tom expounded.
“Why do you need two signatures?” asked Tom resignedly.
“I have exactly six beers,” said Tom brutally.
“You got some ‘splainin’ to do,” Tom said lucidly.
“Death to windmills”, Don said quixotically.
“Just dump it anywhere”, Tom said literally.
“I’m wearing my wedding ring,” said Tom with abandon.
“I slipped and drank a beer thirty-nine days in, so I’m starting all over again,” Tom relented.
“That tuna just saved our planet,” said Tom superficially.
“The Skipper died,” Tom exhaled.
“I thought about buying a house, but decided it was too risky for me,” Tom said preferentially.
“My last girlfriend is doing sound effects work now” Tom exfoliated.
“But what was the cause of death?” asked Tom, wide-eyed.
“I got this ball-point pen from a Yugoslav friend,” said Tom acerbically.
“I have frosted the treepeople,” said Tom enticingly.
“I wish to court your living room,” said Tom woodenly.
“27.34 grains!” exclaimed Tom dramatically.
“Women’s suffrage was a mistake,” said Tom devotedly.
“This weighs precisely 480 grains,” Tom announced.
“I need a breath mint,” Tom asserted.
“F=MA,” Tom said forcefully.
“And so there I was, surrounded by a quartet of grizzlies!” said Tom, with forbearance.
“The giant insects were shocking at first, but we’ve learned to live with Them,” said Tom tolerantly.
“I am here with my friend Hamlet,” said Tom with disdain.
“I dropped my toothpaste,” said Tom, crestfallen.